


Conquer the World

by mustdefine



Category: Gymnastics RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-14
Updated: 2012-12-14
Packaged: 2017-11-21 02:28:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mustdefine/pseuds/mustdefine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She tried to pretend it didn't matter, like they were still friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Conquer the World

**Author's Note:**

> My take on the rift between Alicia and Nastia. Some of this is inspired by rumors pieced together, some by fact; most is the product of my fevered imagination.

At the first cast meeting before the tour, Alicia accidentally makes eye contact with Nastia. She wishes immediately that she hadn't, because she hasn't seen Nastia since Trials, and wasn't  _that_  another entry in the long list of awkward moments that was her life. Alicia looks around for an escape route, because she's pretty sure she needs one—and, dammit, too late, Nastia's crossed the room and is definitely coming straight for her. 

"Hey, Alicia," Nastia says. She looks entirely too relaxed and pretty in leggings, boots, and an off-the-shoulder sweatshirt. 

"Heyyy," Alicia replies, plastering a grin on her face. "How ya doing?" 

"Great, thanks. It's been a while, huh? What have you been up to?"

"Just finished moving, so. You know. Living out of boxes and I can't find anything. Basically I only came on the tour so I could postpone unpacking."

"Well, I'm glad we can help you with that." The light catches Nastia's green eyes as she smiles and touches Alicia's arm. "It's really nice to see you, Ace. I'm so glad you could make it. This is going to be fun, I promise."

The skin on her arm tingles under that familiar touch. "I'm sure it will be," Alicia says.

She can't help watching Nastia's hips sway as the blonde returns to her seat.

Goddamn it. It's like she never gave up girls.

*  *  *

They meet at camp, or maybe a competition, or maybe they've always known each other. The two-year age difference is no difference at all. When they're at the ranch it's always  _NastandLeesh, LeeshandNast_. Call one and you'd get both.  

Alicia knows first. Not about the talent or the Olympic potential; anyone with eyes can see that. No, Alicia knows that this scrawny, awkward-looking kid is going to be in her life forever, one way or the other.

In a dusty cabin room, theirs for a few stolen moments, Alicia sketches out their future with her hands and lips.

 _We're gonna conquer the world._   _You and me._

 _You think we can?_ Nastia says.

Alicia squeezes her hand.  _We can do anything if we're together._

*  *  * 

Alicia stays away from Nastia as much as possible. There's choreo and workouts to focus on, and then of course once the tour starts they're all busy. She cultivates a group of friends her age to serve as a buffer of sorts. Chellsie, naturally. Two of the rhythmic gymnasts. Macready, because he's batshit crazy and comes with a brood of adorable moppets.

She leaves her old teammate to the tender mercies of the Fierce Five. And to be fair, Nastia is fond of those girls and they adore her. Aly's mentioned often enough how inspirational and accessible Nastia's been to them. Alicia just laughs sometimes when she thinks about the height of the pedestal on which they've put Nastia.  _Nobody's perfect, kids,_  she wants to say.  _Careful or you'll wind up with the fame disease and too much self-tanner._

*  *  *

Their first worlds competition is everything they'd dreamed of, or nearly. Nastia loses the all-around by a thousandth of a point to Chellsie. That doesn't sit well. Alicia consoles her afterward.  _You got bars and beam in the bag, kiddo. Forget this crap._

_It is crap. I won, Leesh. Everyone knows it._

Alicia loves Nastia and Nastia loves to win. Alicia holds her girl up as best she can when things go badly, but sometimes she wonders if Nastia really sees her when she's in this mood.  _What's done is done, babe._ _Go out there and show them who's boss._ She jostles Nastia with an elbow. _Come on. Who's the boss, huh? Who's the boss?_

Nastia smiles reluctantly and makes a dorky face. _Me, I guess._ And just like that, she's Alicia's Nast again.

When they go one-two in floor finals, it's the best feeling in the world.

*  *  * 

She can't avoid Nastia forever. They have coffee with Shawn when she visits the tour in Anaheim. Shawn picks up on the awkwardness, but then she's always been a smart kid. Shawn puts up a good front for everyone's sake, keeps the conversation going with that familiar sunny smile and draws them both out. By the end of an hour they're laughing at each other's bad jokes and tall tales. But there are a few too many elephants in the room for Alicia to be truly at ease. At least Shawn has clearly gotten over her schoolgirl crush on Nastia. Nastia never had discouraged their youngest teammate ... not that Alicia had asked her to, exactly, because that would have required acknowledging a slew of things they weren't ready to articulate back then.

They say goodbye to Shawn temporarily—she'll come by before the show, of course—and head out to their rental car. Nastia catches her eye after they get in. Her smile sends a buzz down Alicia's spine. "I'm so glad we got to see Shawn. Kind of feels like the old days, you know?"

Alicia thinks she says something passably coherent in reply because Nastia smiles warmly in response before turning the car on. The push-pull of unease and attraction she always feels around Nastia mixes with an odd wistfulness. She has to admit to herself that she does miss the old days. She tries not to dwell on the past as a rule. But it's hard when the sight of Nastia can still make her heart pound; when she has so much to forget. 

*  *  *

Beijing is supposed to be their time. The Chinese women are a strong threat, but the girls are confident they'll going home with team gold for the first time since '96. Alicia will medal on vault and Nastia will win bars and beam. Instead team gold slips through their grasp. The pressure gets to Alicia and she tries too hard, falls not once but twice. Cheng Fei knocking her out of the vault medals is salt in the wound. 

Nastia is brilliant and gorgeous, of course. The sight of her on top of that AA podium is the balm Alicia needs. But the next loss is greater and cuts bone-deep: Nastia gradually stops calling and texting and IMing her in the post-Olympic whirlwind. What Alicia thought would be hers always has gone, drawn away into a sea of media and publicity—the sort of opportunities that come once every four years and only at great cost. 

Alicia takes some time after Beijing. Reevaluates. Everyone understands, or thinks they do. It would be easier if she and Nastia had had a fight, something Alicia could get out of her system in the fine tradition of her Italian family. That's not the Liukin way. Looking up at Nastia on top of the world, the message isn't hard to decipher: _I don't need you any more._

If she ever did. 

*  *  *

Nastia kisses Alicia after the third glass of wine.

They're both supposed to be getting some sleep after the show before a late departure tomorrow morning. But Nastia had to go and break the monotony of tour.  _We haven't hung out one-on-one in a long time_ , she'd said that afternoon.  _I picked up this great bottle of wine today. Want to give me a hand with it?_

Alicia's an idiot for taking Nastia's offer at face value. For being bored or gullible enough to even entertain the notion that rekindling their friendship is a possibility. She knew this wasn't a good idea when she accepted, but apparently she's stupid enough to be blindsided by the Nastia Liukin charm even after all her experience with it. 

She breaks the kiss and gapes at Nastia. "What the hell you think you're doing?"

"Nothing, I'm sorry. I just thought ... you know ... maybe we could catch up." Nastia has the nerve to look innocent. That reaches Alicia past the shock and makes her angrier. 

" _Catch up_?"

"Yeah, I ... I'm sorry, maybe I misread what was going on here."

Alicia sets her glass down. Her ever-ready temper is rising steadily. "You want to catch up? All right. Fine. Let's start at the beginning. Let's talk about how you stopped talking to me after Beijing."

Nastia is clearly caught off-guard. "What? I didn't stop talking to you."

"Oh yeah? I definitely remember you dropping me like a hot potato for all those sponsors."

"It wasn't like that! We were both busy."

"Best friends are never too busy. I would have made time for you. You made it pretty clear I didn't mean enough for you to do the same."

"I didn't—"

"Plus there was Evan fucking Lysacek."

"There was never anything real going on. You know that."

"No. I didn't  _know that_. Because at some point you stopped telling me everything. I guess I was beneath you, huh?"

Nastia reaches for her. "Leesh—"

"Don't touch me." Alicia gets off the bed. "You know, I tried to pretend it didn't matter, like we were still friends. But guess what the last straw was?"

Nastia says nothing. Alicia bites the words off. "2011. Comeback. Or should I say, your comeback  _attempt_? Because everyone, and I mean fucking everyone, in the entire gym world knew what Princess Nastia was pulling."

"I wasn't—"

Alicia's at full volume now. "You were cheating the system with Marta's full blessing when you didn't have a chance in hell of getting in shape before Trials. All to keep your sponsors! And if you'd hit, you'd have gotten that spot over all those girls who put in the time at camp and did things the right way." 

Nastia's not unarmed in this fight. She says coolly, "Don't blame me because you didn't make alternate. I didn't take your spot and you know that. You didn't have floor, so you never had a chance."

"At least I actually tried," Alicia hisses. "God, I can't believe this. You think you can just snap your fingers and I'll come running back like nothing ever changed! Like  _you_  never changed!"

"That's not what this is. I didn't change, not deep down. I'm still the same Nast. I'm sorry you can't see that." 

Alicia shakes her head in disbelief and turns away. "You know what, I'm sick of this crap. I'm leaving."

"Leesh."

And there's that familiar soothing tone. Nastia had always been the one to talk her down after their arguments, make her see reason. Alicia grits her teeth. "What?"

"You meant the world to me," Nastia says quietly. 

Alicia looks over her shoulder and says the most callous thing she can think of. "Wish I could say the same. You were just a mistake."

She leaves before the tears fall.

Julie and Mary are hanging out on the couch when Alicia comes back. Alicia doesn't say anything as she shuts the hotel room's door behind her.

"You OK?" Julie asks.

"Fine." She's about to head for the bathroom to take an angry shower. Then she stops and turns around. "Did you guys hear any of that?"

The rhythmic gymnasts exchange glances. Alicia smiles bitterly. "Great. Fan-freaking-tastic." She swipes a clean towel and goes into the bathroom, turns the water on as hot as she can stand, strips with quick jerky motions. She leans her head against a forearm as the water and the memories run over her.

She cries as soundlessly as she can. 

*   *  *

The outside world forgets the Olympics soon enough and moves on to other things. Alicia tries to pretend she doesn't see her gym and Nastia's face in her dreams. Nastia deigns to tweet at her sometimes when she's bored. Alicia's stomach churns every time she reluctantly types a reply. Keeping up appearances. She's not sure why.

She'd thought they would be an epic love story if they could ever get past secretive encounters and unspoken commitments. But they'd never needed words, or maybe just thought they didn't. A few nights a year at camp and meets ... it's never seemed like something they should define. And after Nastia resurfaces from endorsements and media, they've drifted so far apart that nothing Alicia can think to say would bridge the gap. Not that she's the one who should make overtures. 

Alicia Sacramone is very good at holding grudges. 

* * *

She stews during the bus trip to the next arena. She snaps at everyone during afternoon workout, especially all the chirpy, cheerful people, of which there are far too many. She wants to hit something. Afterward, Chellsie drags her off to dinner. 

"What's going on? Spill."

"Nothing. I'm fine."

Chellsie raises an eyebrow. "Sac. Come on. It's me."

Alicia glowers at her. "Why don't you read my mind, Memmel."

"OK. I think you had a fight with Nastia."

Alicia sits back in astonishment. "Holy crap. You  _are_  psychic. Or, wait, did you talk to Julie or Mary?"

"No, I just happen to know you pretty well. So ... must have been a pretty bad fight."

"Well ... yeah." She picks at her salad. "You know we haven't really been on speaking terms this year. And before that, actually. So, uh, the subject of her comeback attempt came up and things kinda boiled over."

"By which you mean you boiled over. You do have a temper, Leesh."

She sighs. "I know. I know. But this year, man—I mean, come on. Yeah, we're gymnastics senior citizens, but you and I trained our butts off for that shitshow. Even Shawn had a legit comeback until she decided Dancing with the Stars was a better bet than making the team. Nastia? Nastia was a freakin' joke."

"I don't disagree," Chellsie says neutrally. 

"But?"

"It seems to me like you're taking the circumstances of her comeback personally. But I think it's simpler than that."

"Oh, you think so?" This should be good.

"I think Nastia honestly loves gymnastics and felt lost after Beijing. We all did, remember? And when she decided to try and make the team again, she misjudged how much time it would take to come back with an older body. That doesn't diminish what either of you accomplished. Kinda seems like you've made it about you when it wasn't."

Alicia presses her lips together. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Aren't you? Honestly, I don't think the comeback thing is even the main issue here." The silence stretches out before Chellsie says, "I'm right, aren't I?"

"Damn it, Chells," Alicia mutters feebly. "Get out of my brain."

"Too late. Better tell me everything. Come on, you know you want to."

Alicia figures her old friend has guessed quite a bit already, but she tells the whole story anyway: her history with Nastia, the way things petered out, the catalyst behind their fight last night. When she asks what Chellsie thinks she should do—because she can't deal with the tour with things as they are, not when she has to get up on those rings with Nastia and smile for all the fans—Chellsie doesn't answer right away.

"You're quiet."

"Yeah. Thinking."

"You want to share with the rest of the class?"

Chellsie frowns. "It's difficult to figure out what Nastia was thinking when she did that last night. Which is actually the whole problem, because you guys haven't really talked in the last few years. What I think you should do is sit down and straighten this out. But I think you might need to apologize to her first."

"Me? She's the one who started this whole thing. What the hell am I supposed to apologize for?"

"Making assumptions. And, frankly, being kind of a dick."

Alicia huffs out a laugh. "Geez, Chellsie. Tell me what you really think."

"All right. I think you and Nastia always viewed your relationship differently. She looked up to you so much when you were kids—everyone could see that, even if no one suspected you were together. That's why I think there's more to this whole situation than what you see. Two sides to every story, right? Maybe you should ask about hers."

"You think I'm judging her too harshly?"

"I think you assumed some things that might not be true. You should give her room to explain, at least. Cut her some slack. She's not mean or manipulative."

Alicia snorts. "Want me to remind you what she said after you won the all-around in '05?"

"That was a long time ago. And she was just a kid. I forgave her, you know that," she says, because Chellsie Memmel is the nicest fucking person ever. It's one of the things Alicia finds most annoying about her. Not to mention the fact that Chellsie's usually right.

"I guess I should talk to her," Alicia says reluctantly.

"I think you should. Because, Leesh ... "

"What?"

"You don't see the way she still looks at you when your back is turned."

She doesn't know what to say to that.

"I think the fight was only ever on your end, Ace," Chellsie says gently. "Don't let this drive the wedge even further between you."

*  *  *

2011\. Back in the swing of things, back at Worlds for the second time. Alicia has floor back and she feels good. She's ready to lead this young team to gold after Mustafina thrashed them in 2010. And after Worlds, London. Tokyo's one more stepping-stone to the Olympics. Not many would have predicted Alicia would be a contender for three different Olympic Games, but she's as strong as ever and she really thinks she has a chance.

When she hears her Achilles pop during podium training, at first she thinks she broke the floor. 

They fly her back to the States for surgery immediately. She hears about Nastia's announcement in passing after finding out about the team final. Her first reaction is shock. Then anger and resentment on behalf of her team. These girls have worked so hard for that gold, and Nastia chooses now to announce her comeback?

The sorrow and longing are strongest at night, but she can't acknowledge them even to herself. To do that she'd have to admit the truth: she still loves Nastia Liukin after everything that's happened and she doesn't know how to stop.

*  *  *

Alicia stands outside Nastia's room after the Sunday night show, shifting from one foot to the other like a nervous child. Finally she knocks. Nastia nearly shuts the door in Alicia's face when she sees who it is, but Alicia sticks a foot in the jamb.

"Please. I need to talk to you."

"I think you've done enough talking for a while."

"Nast. Look. I'm an asshole, OK? I'm a complete and total asshole."

Nastia doesn't say anything. Alicia takes that as permission to continue. "Can I come in?"

"I'm packing. Just say whatever you want and leave."

Alicia leans her forehead against the door. "OK. Then I'll start with what I should have said at the beginning. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said all those things to you last night."

No response.

"I was angry."

"That's an excuse."

"No, I know, I'm not trying to..." Alicia breathes in slowly, starts again. "I want you to understand. I was angry about the differences in our comebacks, yeah, but ... but mostly I was upset about how things ended between us. I, um. I'm not the most emotionally mature person on the planet. As you've probably noticed. Thought I'd ... you know, forgiven you, gotten over you or whatever. But clearly not, since I took all my feelings about us and kind of vomited them onto you instead of talking like an adult. That was a dick move and I'm sorry." She sighs. "I just feel like you left me behind a long time ago. And it's been weird to pretend like everything's OK between us when it's not OK. When I'm not OK. Nast, I miss you so much."

The quality of silence behind the door has changed sometime in the last minute. Alicia closes her eyes and waits for the hammer blow, expecting Nastia to ... she doesn't know. Say something cutting. Withdraw into herself, self-sufficient, still the golden queen alone at the top of her world.

Instead the door creaks open. "Come in," Nastia says.

Inside, a suitcase lies open on the bed. Nastia does not sit down. Alicia stands in front of her and waits. Nastia has a quality about her that makes someone as loud and impulsive as Alicia drawn to her stillness. She's missed that, how easy it was being together.

"I thought Beijing was heaven," Nastia says slowly. "You and me together at the Olympics, the way it was supposed to be."

"Until I messed it up," Alicia tries to joke. 

Nastia gives her that familiar intense look. "You know you weren't the only factor. I never blamed you for that. We all tried to tell you. Do you remember what you said to me the night I won the all-around?"

Alicia swallows. Nastia's coming closer. "No," she lies.

"You said you were proud of me. You'd known all along that I could do it. And you loved both me and Shawn, but you were glad it was me. And you said, when you thought I was asleep ..."

Alicia feels the blood drain from her face. "Nast," she says.

"You said, 'You should find someone better than a fuck-up like me.'" 

She closes her eyes again, feels a vast expanse of things unfolding inside her head. "You thought I wanted space. Nast, you know I was emotional, I didn't mean I wanted ..."

"It was more than what you said." Nastia looks down, and for a moment she's that awkward teenager again. "Being together when we were growing up was different than Beijing. Underneath the medals and everything, I was still a kid and you were a woman. You knew how to flirt with the other athletes in the village. You had all these stories about going to college, and ... meeting other people. I thought you were outgrowing me."

"You were always the only one, Nast," Alicia whispers. Her eyes are wet. Regret and self-recrimination weigh her down.

"So were you," Nastia says, and her sincerity breaks Alicia's heart further. "That's why I kissed you. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry if I hurt you. But it's been so hard to see you every day and remember the way things used to be." She runs her fingers down Alicia's forearms and takes her hands. "How I used to be able to touch you whenever I wanted." She pulls Alicia gently toward her. "How we used to be a team."

Alicia leans her forehead against Nastia's and breathes her scent in. Maybe there's too much water under the bridge for them, feelings too long pent-up. Yet she also believes that what she said to Nastia years ago still holds true.

"We can still conquer the world together. You and me," Alicia says.

Nastia smiles shakily. "You think we can?"

Alicia buries her fingers in Nastia's hair and kisses her. In answer, in penance, in earnest.

_We can do anything if we're together._


End file.
